McCain, an Antler Chair, and Other Tortured Metaphors

Wed, January 16, 2008 - 9:00 PM

LAKE WYLIE, S.C. – The battle for the Republican nomination in South Carolina rolls on. Sen. John McCain, fresh off a second place finish in Michigan to former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney, stops for a town hall meeting at T-Bones, a steak joint in this suburb of Charlotte, N.C.

The event was supposed to be outside, but the weather has dipped near freezing, so McCain’s advisers move it inside. And the place is packed.

As Moe the Bartender from the Simpsons would say, this is a restaurant with "a bunch of crazy crap" on the walls. So, it’s perfect for political reporters like to look for poignant (read: tortured) metaphors in the décor to tell the narrative of the campaign.

There are multiple “Don’t Mess with Texas” signs. A reminder of the scorched earth campaign former Texas governor George W. Bush used to crush McCain’s bid in South Carolina in 2000?

There’s the “Bull for Sale” sign perched just above McCain’s head, not exactly an ideal juxtaposition for a candidate who says he’s “here to tell the truth” at every stop.

And there’s the multiple posters for old John Wayne movies from the 60s. As if we need a reminder that McCain would be the oldest elected president if he wins.

(Counteracting this: the two 16-year-olds sitting next to me in the second row. They tell me the McCain camp plopped them up front to project an image of youthful vigor for the cameras. They tell me they’re Democrats, but they’re here because they like McCain and they’re huge political geeks. Don’t blow our cover, they say. And I don’t.)

McCain rolls in after an introduction from Sen. Lindsey Graham, R-S.C., and the vaudeville act starts up.

Joke 1: After he lost here in 2000, McCain says he slept like a baby. “Sleep two hours, wake up and cry. Sleep two hours, wake up and cry,” he says. Cue the rim shot.

Joke 2: He rails against pork barrel spending. “We spent $3 million dollars to study the DNA of bears. I’m not sure if that was a criminal issue or a paternity issue,” he deadpans. Bad-dum-dum.

Then he says “my friends, let’s have some straight talk,” his signature line. It’s what the people here came to hear. Well, except for those who just came here to have dinner, in a restaurant obviously in extreme violation of the fire code.

And the town hall starts. McCain is asked how we solve the nursing shortage? Scholarships and student loans.

He’s asked if he’ll pick Joe Lieberman as a running mate if he wins. McCain is non-committal.

And then the tough one: an adorable little girl in the upper deck asks him how he’ll “protect our wildlife.”

Graham pipes up: “That’s a bad place to ask that question.”

And he’s right. The progeny of Ernest Hemingway and Teddy Roosevelt appears to run T-Bones. This joint is lousy with dead stuffed animals. A quick accounting: A skunk, a wild cat, several bass, a fox, a mountain lion, a duck, a turkey, a goose, at least a half dozen elk, a beaver, a boar. There’s a chair AND a chandelier made entirely out of deer antlers. And we haven’t even touched on the inflatable dinosaur and the light up Spuds MacKenzie behind the bar.

“I won’t kill this many animals,” he says, which seems to placate his questioner.

--Sean Mussenden